Dear new heart mom,
Take a minute. Close your eyes. And breath.
I see you. I feel you. I am right there next to you.
You see the girl in that picture above? That’s me. No, really. That’s a picture my husband took the first time I got to see my son after 13 LONG hours. I got to see my son for all of 30 seconds after he was born and not again for 13 hours.
I feel your pain. I’ve cried those same tears. I have had those same horrible thoughts that you don’t want to admit you’re having.
“Will my baby even live?”
“Is this my fault?”
“Do I even need to set up a nursery?”
Thoughts and questions you never thought you would hear yourself say swarm your mind. I can tell you right now, there isn’t a single thought you can have, that I haven’t had myself. I’ve heard songs on the radio and wondered, “I wonder if I will pick this song to play at my son’s funeral.”
Before this blog, the only person I had ever admitted that to was my husband and one close friend.
I couldn’t tell my parents that I was having such morbid thoughts. What would they think of me? How can this baby be brought into this world knowing that it’s mother was already having thoughts about him dying?
I’ll tell you how, FAITH.
I had faith that God was going to hold my child in his arms and get all of us through this with strength and grace.
I knew from the research I had done that this was not going to be an easy road, but God put us on this path for a reason. God chose ME to be the mother to this fragile child just like He chose YOU to be the mother to your warrior.
It’s going to be hard watching your friends have perfectly healthy babies. Not because you want them to have anything wrong with theirs by any means, but because you are jealous and will wonder why you can’t have that. It’s going to be hard seeing other heart babies leave the hospital before yours.
I’ve been there. I know that pain of being jealous and then being mad at yourself for being jealous of someone else’s good fortune.
Again, God chose YOU to be the mother to your warrior. He knew what your path held and He knew you could handle the stresses that come along with the responsibility.
And it’s all worth it.
You will have many sleepless nights. You will undoubtedly sleep upright in a hospital chair being awoken constantly by the beeping of the machines and nurses doing their hourly checks. You will have to sit back and watch as your child is decorated with incisions, needle pokes, tape, and tubes.
It’s all worth it.
You will never be stronger. You are turning into a fierce Heart Mom.
We take that name seriously and wear it with pride because these heart babies show us what strength really is. They show us how to be resilient when the worst of the worst tries to tear you down.
You have other heart moms by your side, fighting the fight against CHD and kicking it’s butt.
And I’m right here with you too. To cry with and to laugh with. I’m here when you need to scream from anxiety and when you want to scream with joy. I am praying for YOUR warrior every single day.
If there is one thing you can take away from this, I hope it’s that you know you are not alone in this.
We are all with you.
And most importantly, GOD is with you.
“So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous hand”