Colston’s first two open heart surgeries were hard. There’s no doubt about that. It wasn’t until after I had Samuel though, that my mind took a turn to darkness. (Read Samuel’s birth story here). That is when everything in the last sixteen months caught up with me.
I didn’t tell anyone. Not my doctor. Not my husband. I just held it in. I felt like I couldn’t do anything otherwise.
From every direction I was getting praise for “being so strong” because they “could never be in my shoes, they wouldn’t be able to handle it.”
People would say, “It’s a good thing those boys have such a strong mama!”
If they only knew how broken I was. If they only knew how numb I was.
I felt like I had to put on such an act all the time. Even more so after Samuel was born. He was born right before the holidays so we had a lot of family dinners. How could I be broken and depressed when I had this beautiful baby boy in my arms?
I slowly started taking my emotions out on my husband. I would get so angry at him for the smallest things. I was angry that he had a job he could escape to and get his mind off of our lives. Little did I know, he was feeling the same emotions I was. He was just as scared as I was.
I BROKE DOWN AND TOLD HIM EVERYTHING.
I told him that everything I was feeling didn’t even feel like anxiety, it felt factual.
I just KNEW Colston would suddenly go into heart failure.
I just KNEW Samuel would die from SIDS.
I just KNEW Justin would be killed on his job site or his drive home.
I KNEW the boys deserved a better mother and Justin deserved a better wife.
The enemy was so far in my head that I wasn’t anxious that any of this might happen. I knew they would and I was just waiting for the day.
Looking back, I should have told my doctor. (Sorry Dr. O if you ever read this.) Don’t follow my example. If you are feeling any of these emotions, you absolutely should talk to your doctor.
How did I get over it?
A couple ways.
I saw a video that Kristina Kuzmic made about how she writes down everyday at least one good thing that happened that day. I started writing down one thing a day that I was thankful for, even if it was something as little as “I’m thankful I was able to pee by myself for thirty seconds today.” Or “I’m thankful the kids actually napped at the same time today.”
It can be anything.
Focusing on the positives of everyday instead of the negative immediately changed my mind set.
I started praying daily. Before, I was slowly on my way back to God. I hadn’t been angry with Him for a while but I wasn’t seeking Him or applying His Word to how I live my life. Once I started praying daily and giving myself to Him, He completely took over and let me tell you, life has been beautiful ever since.
That doesn’t mean life doesn’t still have it’s ups and down, because it does and it always will, but I’m able to see the beauty of it now and trust God fully and completely.
The Bible says in Proverbs 12:25, “Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression. But a good word makes it glad.”
How incredibly true and beautiful is that?
That verse right there is why you should tell someone if you are feeling similar to how I felt. It can be God’s word that makes you feel glad, it can be a friends word, or even my word.
You aren’t alone in this.