My whole life, I knew I wanted two kids. I was the middle child and well, we all know how the middle child syndrome goes and I didn’t want to put that on one of my own children.
Then I met my husband…..who wanted six kids. SIX KIDS! My father in-law is one of ten and even though my husband’s only sibling is his sister, he wanted a big family. You see, he saw the bigger picture years and years down the road. He didn’t just want six kids, he wanted give or take 40 grand kids. He was spoiling our grand kids in his mind before we even had our first child.
I told him there was no way in this world I was popping out that many kids. We talked more on it and I compromised at four kids if he threw in a boob job with it.
But then we got the Earth shattering news of our first born child having a severe heart defect. We were told it would be a miracle if he made it to age 5 due to the extent of the surgeries needed.
The first six months were filled with living eight hours away, two cardiac arrests, weekly cardiology appointments, learning how to administer medicine to a newborn, fighting with the pharmacy because they don’t understand why a newborn baby needs said medicine, and numerous other hurdles that I never could have foreseen.
During one of the many cardiology appointments, it was brought to our attention that we had about a 5% chance at any future children having a heart defect and not necessarily a defect as severe as Colston’s. It could be a defect as minor as a heart murmur.
Did we risk it? How do you choose to have another baby after such scares? If we have another baby and they have a severe heart defect also, would it be our fault because we knew the high odds?
They were tough tough questions that we had to pray hard over.
Finally we came to an agreement, we would try for one more. The more we tried, the higher our odds but we knew God would only give us what He knows we can handle.
If it was God’s will that we had another child with a heart defect, then we would deal with it as it came, but if He gave us a heart healthy baby, then we would rejoice.
Now, I will make a post soon about the story of Samuel. It’s quite a doozie but in short, he was born with a minor heart defect that has closed on it’s own.
Are you and your spouse considering having another baby but you are so scared because of what you have gone through with your heart warrior?
I know it is so cliche, but you will not be given anything you can’t handle.
If you’re like me, you will think that there is no possible way that you can go through this again. You can’t have anymore curve balls thrown at you. You can’t take one more person giving you that despairing look…that awful look of pure sorrow because they feel bad for you and what you’re going through.
It’s okay. It’s a terrifying choice and a very personal choice.
Be open with your spouse about your fears. Be open with God about your fears.
You will always be able to get through the darkest of times, even when you see no light.
Pray to God to alleviate your fears and to let you walk blindly by faith and trust His will for you and your family.
Here, I’ll help you.
Lord I thank You for bringing me down this road, although it is a hard one. I thank You for the gift that is my heart warrior because I know You have asked me to walk this road for a reason. I’m not sure what Your reasoning is Lord, but You do and I pray that You guide me in this walk as I am terrified. I want another child Lord but I am terrified of another heart baby. I am scared of going through this again. I’m scared I won’t have the courage to go through this again. Please help take these fears away Lord and help me to trust You and Your will for us.
In Jesus Name,